Dear Bilingual Friends,
Have you wondered about why in the commercialized TV dramas and movies so many lucky women trapped in unfortunate marriages somehow magically meet a nice, handsome guy who saved them from their misfortunate marriages?
And some ladies may wonder,
As a woman myself experiencing big troubles in my marriage (literally the idea of suicide occurred to me), I would like to address to all ladies.
A troubled woman in a marriage that needs to be fixed, will never meet guys like that because, with all due respect, she is actually announcing to the outside world that her “value” is extremely low or simply put, she has no “value” as a wife or partner.
I went through as many counselling channels as I could possibly, including coaching, reading, online programs, marital education materials, to rescue my relationship. Now I learned to fix myself and the problems in my marriage, fortunately became a happy wife and a mother of two! 🙂
- Why a wife challenged by her marriage cannot get as “lucky” as it is in TV shows.
- The real solution and effective action for you to take to find your ideal man, your truly right partner.
Please be kindly informed that this post is generally about relationships, definitely not aiming at a specific type of women or targeting them with prejudice and critiques. Rather, I am confident that this writing will be a great aid for many women in distress.
What does a troubled marriage say about the wife?
In romanticized dramas or movies, married women trapped in unhappy marriages or some sorts of marital misfortunes, magically meet a guy outside her marriage who could care enough, and she could find happiness or at least some relief or comfort.
But in reality, if we think rationally, that is very unlikely. On the contrary, problems and issues, troubles, and difficulties in her marriage, only demonstrate to the world around that this woman herself, did not handle things well. Or simply put, she failed, at a relationship that is of the utmost importance in her personal life. If a woman spreads the words that her marriage is in trouble, then she is already admitting to people around her that “I am a failure.”
“What” to blame?
We all wish that there could be something else to blame, like, the marriage itself. The mechanism, or the relationship itself, could be a “what” that we tend to easily point to as being responsible. But if we are honest, we do know that we don’t usually blame a car, an engine, or a machine for being defective, but blame the maintenance mechanics of these machines.
So, we may use the term “troubled marriages,” “failed relationships,” while we are just romanticizing it and we do still convey the meaning that the people in this marriage – they failed.
“Who” to blame?
One may wonder if the woman can blame the man for destroying this marriage, or “breaking the car.” However, I would like to point out that even in the most extreme cases such as a woman marrying a violent, DV man, where we could fairly indict the man as a criminal responsible for things, even as a compassionate outsider, one may still unconsciously wonder – why did this woman make this kind of decision to marry such a man or get entangled with someone like him?? What was wrong with her?
It is easy to put the blame on a really evil man, but this does not change the fact that the world around this woman will still sense HER failures in choosing a man like that, not that we cold-bloodedly require her to take responsibility for her unfortunate marriage or relationship.
Bottom line, even if a woman was in distress or victimized, the actions and behaviors of the woman absolutely MATTER a lot to other men outside in the society, when she “advertises” herself again to these men seeking her next spouse. Why would other men in the world outside her marriage care a shred about how good or bad the current husband is? This well-desired single man is looking for his ideal spouse – a woman – so wouldn’t they focus on the woman and her “qualifications” as a wife?
So, no more discussions about how badly the husband treated the wife. Unfair it may be, to any worthy men the husband’s behaviors would not matter as much as the actions of the woman in her marriage.
Who would she attract?
Then comes my biggest concern – what kind of men will a woman attract if it is “announced” and “proven” to the world that she either A. made horrible decisions, B. got entangled with an evil or indecent husband, C. did not activate any initiatives, rational thinking, or communication skills to fix problems in her marriage, behaved completely powerless, or D. overall did not take mature and responsible actions in the most important relationship in her entire personal life. etc. etc.
No matter whichever situations above she is in, these are absolutely NOT attractive traits or desirable information about her that would appeal to any worthy and decent men!
Will she, then, showing these above shortcomings and “defects” at her current stage, attract a successful, compassionate, and responsible partner?! Answer is clear. If I were a man who focuses on career, oriented to my life plan and financial plan, genuinely passionate about building a beautiful marriage and family and/or raise kids well, and commit to overcoming hardships and troubles in marriage like a responsible adult, I would never approach women described above, missing these key values. To be honest, a worthy man like that would never NOTICE the existence of these women who lost their values even if temporarily in her current marriage status! He would walk fast past her because he is looking for a desirable wife that is exactly the opposite type – a “well-qualified” woman who has these below VALUES –
strong, powerful, independent and responsible for her life plan,
passionate for running a happy marriage and/or raise kids,
commit to dealing with hardships and troubles in her marriage like a responsible adult
It is beyond saying that only similar people with similar values will hang out together and attract each other. The “unfortunate wife,” missing these above well-respected traits of a dignified spouse or partner, will have nothing matching a worthy man.
Unlike in those commercialized dramas and movies, a woman whoe demonstrated her “lack of value” will (at least for now) only attract men who are the opposite of “worthy” – if not violent or criminal, then perhaps a man who did not grow up and still behaves as an irresponsible child, or perhaps a man who lacks any clear-cut purposes in life and financial credibility.
Why wouldn’t they show compassion?
Some readers may object – we do not expect this man in this affair to magically marry her or save her like a prince charming. But wouldn’t he become at least compassionate and sympathetic with her?
Unfortunately I think it is also bullshit in dramas and movies, and not bloody likely in reality…
I would like to bring to the table that men who stepped into an affair with the wife – important here – whom he does NOT respect (this is only natural given there is currently no “value” or assets in her core spirit now, that is to be “respected”) – is to a great degree seeking carnal pleasures and thrills. What can stimulate more thrills? If I were to be this selfish, self-centered man pursuing no other than my own physical benefits, then nothing brings me more thrills than a power relation – in which I am the powerful all-mighty one against this woman who is the helpless and small one, psychologically dependent on me. This affair will be a tilting, unbalanced and unequal power-relation, with the wife being the victim to the selfish ego of this man.
She has no idea what these men are seeking for in this relationship, and that is fatal. While she seeks for aid, guidance, spiritual connection in this man, he is after sadistic thrills and physical pleasure. What is worse – the more she becomes dependent on him psychologically and physically, the more she will be hurt in this unfair power-relation. This man is going to suck up more of her spirit, even her dignity and last shred of self-esteem. And thinking about it makes me shudder that this sadistic side of his behaviors gives him pleasure! In my view, thus the reason why the wife in this relationship would have no chance finding real sympathy and compassion from men outside her marriage.
How to reach the end of the tunnel?
The solution is clear, I hope, to my dear readers that the straightforward and and inevitable path to find an exit to problems in her marriage, is for her to take the initiatives and solve the problems in her marriage by herself.
First of all, get rid of the delusional ideas about meeting a savior. Her problems in her marriage BELONG to her and not another single individual in this whole universe can take them over and resolve them for her.
If the husband is really a mismatch for her, she would meet the ideal man and qualified husband outside her marriage, AFTER she works on hardships and troubles in her current marriage like a responsible adult. There is no other shortcut.
Conclusion – He will reveal himself to you.
This “prince charming” may arrive at the scene pretty late, but it is only logical. This prince charming, could be the same husband, could be someone else. He will reveal who he is to the woman, naturally when she works hard on herself, retrieves back her initiatives, acquires back her assets and skills to manage a relationship, and thus again proves her VALUE as a mature and successful partner/wife in a relationship, to the rest of the world. Only so, she WILL succeed in attracting the right partner. 🙂
Hope this post helps you figure out things and understand marriage better! I do hope to expand more on this topic soon and further our discussions.
